Living off a drug called dreams

Let me start off by saying that the title is me. I live off of my dreams and aspirations, and imagining my ideal future. And I know people do this in general, but I believe I do this excessively. And sure, there is the lovely and poetic quote by T.E Lawrence “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dream with open eyes, to make them possible.’ Cute, right? Having dreams is good of course- it’s always admirable when somebody has them. And watching them achieve their dreams is great. But is there a line? Is there a point where it’s not admirable anymore and they need to focus more so on the here and now? And where is that line?

I can’t answer this question. Which is a problem. I can barely tell if there’s even times when I’m not dreaming of something. (Actually there is, and that’s when I’m imagining fictional worlds where I’m the badass main character-basically a mary sue- but let’s not dwell on that). My dreams involve leaving England. They involve either studying in Japan, Singapore or Canada. They involve a cutesy future with my current boyfriend (yes, I do acknowledge that that part is very unlikely, but I can’t really help it). They involve being a cool mechanical engineer and being mildly attractive and having a cool aesthetic Instagram that is the envy of many. They involve have really cool friends from all over. However…

Money. Money to study abroad is a problem. In my family, no money is made as I live with my retired grandfather. I even have free school meals for crying out loud. If I studied in this England I would get a loan and then just pay it off in future- but what about those other places? Also the plane journey? Also just being able to apply to everything in time? So many problems arise, yet I cannot even imagine studying here. I wish I could as it would be SO much easier, but I can’t. And I am alone in this. Nobody here knows what they’re doing, so I’m left with the internet for help. Not exactly ideal.

I could go on about how my dreams just aren’t going to come true, but I should mention that I am trying. I have done so much research into everything, as I’m someone who likes to have a plan. I am starting to eat (slightly) healthier, I’m focusing and taking care of my natural hair, and am caring for my skin. I even have a small job which I hate, so I actually have money. I’m doing work experience in London in the summer, and am on the school council. But the thing is I keep thinking about what could be, and it’s hard. It kind of means I’m not accepting my life as it is now, and what if I never do? What if no matter what I achieve, I’ll always have something else?  Honestly it’s terrifying to me. But how much should I dream? How much should I imagine? It’s a tough question. It’s also terrifying when I change my mind often so my plans have to change. I did so much research on Japan and now my main focus is Canada which is the most unlikely out of the three. I like engineering but recently realised I adore science journalism. I’m not an improviser either.

I’m addicted. I’m addicted because I can see it so clearly I sometimes convince myself there’s no other possible way for my future to turn out. I’m addicted to the sense of security it gives me, as I am surrounded by people who struggle to pay rent, and their electric bill. I’m surrounded by people who are unhappy, so I’m addicted with the thoughts of something else.

All I can do is distract myself I suppose. Distract myself with kpop and movies and dates and revision. And perhaps slowly, without my realising, my dreams will be my reality.


A short explanation on why I choose to suffer DofE

First, a quick explanation if you don’t know what DofE is:

You do a 2 day 1 night (Bronze), 3 day 2 night (Silver) and 4 day 3 night (Gold) expedition. This goes from simple roads, to moorland, to mountainous. There’s also 3 sections- Physical, Skill and Volunteering. Exactly what is says on the tin. For Gold you also have to do a residential, like a summer school or perhaps NCS.

Anyway, the focus here is the expedition. No matter the weather, you’re out there. A heavy bag on your back, annoying people and stupid views that make up for nothing. Many km you have to walk, and hills you have to climb. Many mistakes of taking disgusting food, or in my case not taking a pillow (which isn’t allowed, but it’s worth it). Not to mention your personal hygiene soars out the freaking window. Some evenings it’s 16:30, tipping it down, windy and you have to be outside cooking something on your stove. Or in the early morning at 7:00 you’re scrubbing the black parts of your stove, running late to leave because your teachers are being nit-picky. And whilst walking, you’ll either be stuck with people who are too fit and fast, or too slow and pathetic.

Are you leaping at the chance to do it yet?

The point is, those things are kind of good. I myself am an indoorsy person. I like comfort, warmth and internet- and being left the HELL alone. And I get that comfort every day when I get back home. But DofE takes that away. And it’s awful. But I appreciate it when I get back. My family will buy me a milkshake from McDonalds (it used to be chicken nuggets, but alas, vegetarianism), and when I get home I get to burn in the shower, flop onto my bed and put on Netflix. I get to feel ‘thank goodness that’s over’. It’s good every now and then to be uncomfortable. It makes the good things in your life better. Not to mention you do get some good stories; like lying by the lake looking at the stars, a boy snorting Pringles like cocaine, a couple who stupidly decided to go in a group together, somebody running around camp in their underwear etc. (Note. these are my genuine memories). Not to mention, for me, it makes where I live pretty good. Going up the counties biggest tor (it’s called Brown Willy, let’s all be mature please), seeing vast moorland and thinking that walking can actually be a challenge are some things I never would’ve done. .

And that is precisely why, despite wanting to give up whilst climbing Rough Tor the other day, I never will give up. I’ve done Bronze. I’ve done Silver. And curse my life- I’m finishing Gold.

How NOT to be zen

My last post was at some point in May last year. Wow. One way NOT to be zen would be to read over my past posts and dwelve into the cringe-fest which is me, ranging from 4 years ago to yesterday.

However, it did bring one non-god awful thing to mind; how much has changed since then. Less than a year ago.

At that point, I would’ve (should’ve) been revising for my GCSE’s. I’d be thinking that I would be going to Truro College and not going to Prom, and how I would become a doctor in the future, and live in the states. I’d be imaging that future, both the near and far, and thinking how I could never truly predict it, but I would try to make it possible. And that’s true. I didn’t go to Truro and I did go to stupid Prom, I remained at my college’s sixth form. I changed and now wish to be an engineer, and study and live in Japan. And god forbid that fucking changes because then I’ll have to retake A-levels- again, another way how NOT to be zen.

But the more I say it all out loud, the less it sounds like the future. I mean, NOW I am studying things like further maths and physics which will lead to engineering, NOW I am studying Japanese and asking my teachers for advice on applying for University abroad. So perhaps, there are points in our lives where the future is certain. Or just points where we make one future far more certain. It will either be my studying in Japan, or being annoyed that I wasted my time. But if I think about it, I studied hard and chose Biology, I successfully applied to Truro; but that future still changed, because I did. People like to think the future is out of their hands, but it’s not. That’s the only place it is. That’s why your future is seemingly changing and unpredictable; because that’s what you are. So worrying and panicking and overthinking it is a way NOT to be zen, and it is fruitless. If you want a good future, get it. Move away. Far away. Put yourself out there. It’s hard and scary, but somewhere there is a place or a person that will allow you to be happy. And you don’t need to achieve your dreams to be happy anyway.

Another way to be zen- stop caring. Sure, I’ve reached the point where I literally care about two people, but it’s easier than you think. I get ready to be angry a lot, but now I’m just kind of like… ‘eh’. Why be angry? What does it allow you to gain? It’s pointless. That doesn’t mean become a doormat, but set down some rules. For example, accept the fact people bitch about you. And you bitch about them. But you’re still friends, and you still care about them. It’s just a normal thing.

You might wonder why this post is about this; and it’s because others doing A-levels are stressed to the tits. I’ve never stayed up past 1:00 am doing work. Sure, that’s because I love sleep, but still. I go to revision every day. I’m doing 5 A-levels. I have a mourning grandfather with mood swings. I have a twin sister who’s anti-relationship whilst I’m in one. I am slowly seeping into despair due to realising that I’m a heartless cunt. But I don’t care. I have this safe space. Upstairs. My room. This laptop and this internet. (Or my boyfriends bedroom, but let’s just stick to mine right now). And up here, nothing matters. No matter what happens, I’ll have this safe space. And when I’m older, I’ll have a new one. But I will always have one. If I want to do well in school, I will. And even if I don’t, there’s so many things to do. Like marry a rich person. In fact, I’m just sat here thinking of all the good movies that are due to come out this year, and I’m fucking happy.

So, how NOT to be zen. There isn’t a way, unless your IQ is less than 70. You’ll always think. You’ll always stress. You’ll always get irritated. And that’s okay. Because happiness is easy, and it’s not what you think.

Uncharted 4, a Thief’s end

So first off I want to state that I have not played the game, as I am not fortunate enough to be able to afford a PS4. However, as a lover of the series, I was waiting for somebody to upload a ‘cutscenes movie’ on youtube. So a couple days ago, I got to watch it.

The first video was about 4 hours, and the second one 6 1/2. That’s dedication.

First thought; amazing. I love adventure games (so things also like Lara Croft) and it definitely delivered on that. The puzzles are brilliant, and the intelligence of Drake did not cease to amaze me. Of course you get to find out more on his past, which is intriguing, however there are a few questions; but nothing can be perfect, can it?

It has a good story line. Some people in the comments mentioned The Goonies, but it was better. It also brings up the relationship of Drake and Elana (that’s how I’m spelling it), and it’s not a boring, pointless way, but it develops them as characters.

*I am tired and in England I’m currently beginning my GCSE’s so this is really doing to be half-assed*

The point is, if you don’t have a PS4 and want a game to make you cry about the fact you haven’t, it’s this one. I’m a sucker for adventure and puzzles and well thought out plots, and it’s perfect. There also appeared to be decent gameplay (with shooting as well as free-running or whatever it’s called). It gives a well-enough-rounded-off ending to an amazing (and one of my favourite) game series. I believe jacksepticeye has begun playing it too, so I suggest watching it.


Not to get political here…

For those of you who don’t know, there was a recent election in London for the next Mayor. Now, I really don’t know a lot about politics, and I don’t even live in London, but it was something I wanted to talk a bit about.

The ‘winner’ was Sadiq Khan, and most noticeably for people, a Muslim. So of course, massive arguments and appearing, and sides are forming. Of course with ISIS (a supposed ‘Muslim’ group) and Islamophobia growing, people are afraid. And what I say to that? Idiots. In my opinion, ISIS are not, Muslims. Anyone who kills for any God has no right to call themselves a Muslim (note. I’m not a Muslim, but a Buddhist). Not to mention people don’t judge Christians off the fucking (excuse the swear) KKK so why base the entirety of Islam off of ISIS in the first place?

Also, people shouldn’t even pay attention to his religion. As long as he does a good job as Mayor, who gives a flying damn? I hope one day we reach an age, where somebody can be elected as Mayor or Prime Minister, and nobody say ‘first Muslim’ or ‘first coloured person’ or just notice anything like that. This brings me to Hillary Clinton (if I got the spelling wrong, I don’t care). I know she’s obviously running for President over in the USofA, but it’s what she does. She pulls the woman card too much. The fact she’s a woman doesn’t matter. As long as she has good hopes, good ideas and good intentions for it, her gender literally doesn’t matter. Sure, it could be a big deal as the first woman President, but as the candidate don’t pull that card. Honestly, it shows that you’re just desperate and running out of ideas. Or your campaign isn’t enough, and you have to go to last resorts.

I apologise for the rant, but this is more for my sake. I’m not very political, but when things like race, religion and gender are brought into things, I get opinionated. London is a cultured city, with people truly from all walks of life, so things like a non-Christian Mayor should be common. The population is diverse; and therefore so should the election pool.

Captain America: Civil War

So this will only be short as I do not want to post too many spoilers. But there will be some in here, so avoid this if you don’t want to see them.

Overall; brilliant. I am a lover of Marvel films, and this of course was no exception. The thing I love about Civil War is that it’s more personal. It’s not them fighting some alien or robot army; but themselves. And I love that sense of difference. There are no good or bad guys in the main battle (well, there is a bad guy, but he’s not the most relevant). Not to mention it shows the dark side of being a hero, and the reality of what happens behind the scenes.

I loved the fact there was a good portion of humour in it. The humour made it realistic; well, the characters more human. There’s Spider-man (who’s an actual teenager) and Black Panther (who’s attractive and bad ass!), and of course they bring Ant-man into it (whose film I loved, and he as a character is amazing). You see relationships building (eg. Vision and Scarlet Witch) and relationships being broken (that one’s obvious). There’s loads of good action in the film too, so you don’t get bored.

The movie hit me right in my feels. You discover how Stark’s parents died, and if you think about Stark, he’s a sad character. He created Ultron and it resulted in many deaths. That’s why he wants to sign the accords, probably. He’s guilty, lost somebody he loves (Pepper) and loses a team he assembled; in a sense, it was he who tore them apart. So God knows how he’s feeling at the end of the movie. And any movie that gets me sad about somebody has done a good job.

The only thing my friends and I disliked was the ending. Of course, it wasn’t going to be like the comics (those of you who’ve read them will understand) but it was anti-climatic. It ended with an apology letter, basically. It doesn’t properly get settled. And that’s annoying as fuck. It’s abrupt and makes most of the movie seem pointless.

To sum it up, you should watch it. It does live up to the hype, and of course Marvel is building up to Infinity Wars (which I am dying for), but obviously it doesn’t end the best. It is one of the best Marvel films out there, the only ones I prefer being Ant-man and Age of Ultron.


I was talking to a friend, and I was thinking some things. I (as stupid as this sounds) often forget that not everybody is like me. I noticed this when we were talking about goals, and his goal was to ‘meet the one’ and ‘find love’, whilst mine was to have my hard work pay off and end up in a job I enjoy, taking my role in the world. Love is something I dismiss as a bit of enjoyment along the way. And realising that that truly was his goal, I noted on how different we were. I was also amazed that that was anyone’s goal; or that anyone had a goal different to mine. I know it sounds shallow, but I just forget sometimes.

Not just that, but I recently did a 16 personality test (and I highly suggest you do it too, just look it up!) and I also realised there were other people exactly like me. It’s odd; I can think I’m unique and different, as well as thinking everybody else is like me at the same time. So I did the test (if you’ve done it, you’ll understand what I mean when I say I got the ENTJ-A personality. Aka. the commander) and it was crazy how relatable it was! It made me think about how most of my personality I hid (so I can be more likeable) and that I really just want to be my bossy, ruthless self. So I’m working on that right now. I also looked at the other personality types, and it was interesting to see the other types of people. Some of them, I seriously couldn’t understand, and others I could partially relate too.

I just think it’s crazy how all of us think different things, and learn different things from similar experiences. How we can actually be friends who believe things completely opposite to us. But that keeps things interesting! It makes me wonder about all the types of people I’ve met in my life, how they’ve evolved, as well as me thinking about the types of people I’ll get the pleasure to meet someday. All I’m truly certain is; I will continue to do as I am, do summer schools (I’m actually doing Bristol, Bath and Imperial College this year) and things like NCS so I can meet more of these people, and have fun on my way to finding my role in life.

Fans of the impossible life

So every now and then, when I actually have money (or my school has given me a voucher for hardwork/ house points etc.) I go into WHSmith and buy a book which I haven’t of before. Normally (eg. The Raven Boys) I’ll have seen it on tumblr or a friend would’ve suggested it. But sometimes I’ll try something new.

I saw this book, and with the name, it intrigued me. I am a fan of the impossible life myself, so I figured I could perhaps to relate to it.


  1. Same sex couples. It’s odd, but it’s always enjoyable to read about them (as a bisexual myself). It’s different. It shows how society is evolving. Of course, I’d like to read one where they’re not oppressed or bullied and just have a normal, cute relationship, but that’s okay.
  2. There’s stuff about bullying, depression and drugs. It doesn’t romanticize depression, and it doesn’t make drugs look appealing either. And with bullying, it is shown in a slightly childish sense, but it does happen. And the characters aren’t strong, either. They’re regular people, who get hurt and take a while to get back up. It also mentions not feeling comfortable with your own skin. But she gets over it and embraces herself (she doesn’t lose weight, that I recall).
  3. There are some pretty cool quotes. Always gotta love that.
  4. There’s first, second and third person. I quite like that.


  1. Nothing is solved. I know I sometimes complain about everything having a happy ending, but it was weird. A kid ended up getting sent away from his foster home, is taking drugs, hates life, abandons his friends and just runs away. At that’s how it ends. Not to mention, a kind teacher ends up being fired for inappropriate behavior with students (a wrong assumption here).  It’s just a sad ending. Not to mention the person who grassed him up never got to make up for their action.
  2. It got a bit boring. The conversations dragged out with nothing else really happening. And the description can be quite unimaginative at times, as well as bland.
  3. Weird stuff happens and I have no fucking idea. The two gays end up making out with their girl best friend for fun. And that it seriously not in one of their characters traits. And there’s no purpose behind it.
  4. If you write a book with drugs and stuff, it has to have meaning. This didn’t. He took it to escape; great. But he didn’t overcome it. It made drugs sound like it truly can help you, without showing the repercussions of it (really).

Overall? I’ve give it a 5/10. Too many loose ends and pointless things. It didn’t flow, and at the end I wondered why I had even read it. What I had even learned. Books teach you things you can’t in school; but with this one, I don’t know.



(Picture involves Korra on the left, Aang on the right. Both sets of seasons, LOK left, TLA right)

Okay, so I started the sequel seasons (Legend of Korra) and there were some things which I wanted to write about the two sets of seasons (the first being The Last Airbender).

Avatar is an anime styled American cartoon, about element benders and one Avatar (somebody who can control all elements). In TLA is focuses on the Avatar, Aang, and rising up against the fire nation. With him, there is Katara (a waterbender) and her brother, Sokka (a nonbender). They travel around the world so Aang can learn all the elements, and save everybody from the fire nations power. They’re later joined by Toph (a blind earthbender) and Zukko (the son of the fire nations prince, a firebender). So far from what I’ve gathered, LOK is about Korra, the avatar, Bolin and Mako (two brothers, an earth and firebender) and Asami (a nonbender). I’m not too sure on the storyline, but season one involves nonbenders trying to take over.

The point is; it’s an amazing show. And not just because it’s action packed and fucking hilarious, but it has some brilliant lessons. It shows us about being equal and accepting responsibilities. It has a diverse cast and in LOK there’s a same sex relationship. It shows the characters searching for their purpose, fighting for what’s right and exploring all they can. Not to mention each character has flaws, which they evolve on as the series goes on. You also see the change in relationships grow too, from enemies to friends and vice versus.

Basically, if you’re looking for a funny, action, meaningful watch, I tell you to watch it.


This will only be a short blog, but I wanted to get this out somewhere.

I’m at one of my midlife crisise (I don’t know the plural for that word, forgive my English sin), however I’ve been thinking and feeling this for a while.

It’s where you kind of look around, and wonder what the point in it all is. Going to school so I can get a job so I can have money and buy stuff and live somewhere. I may meet some cool people along the way and see a couple pretty things, but that’s all life seems to be for me. People always think I’m destined for something, as an A*-A student, but there are so many people like me. Thousands, millions of people who are doing what I am doing, and are going to do what I am going to do. So what’s the point in me, just being one more.

People always say you’re free to live your life. That’s great. Unless you live in relative (not literal, please don’t get them confused) poverty like myself. Unless you’re a mixed-race, bisexual, non-Christian woman, like myself. Unless you’re truly just one fucking fish, to whom is invisible and easy to forget. It’s the little things, like people forgetting to put my name down and somebody else taking what I asked for first, or when I’m the only person somebody doesn’t ring up and ask why I’m not at the party. It’s the things like only being talked to when you’re dating someone or your friend just split up with their boyfriend and they know you’ll go visit them with food and you’ll watch movies.

It’s just the point, when I’m looking in the mirror and thinking; what’s the point? What’s the point? I’m just one fish in a big sea of fish. I pity those who need drugs to be happy; but I do have a drug. My drugs are my fictional worlds, and without them, and I am nothing. I have nothing. If I passed, I reckon about 3 people would cry. My twin sister, my mother, and my grandmother. But, despite all of this, I won’t kill myself. Because I refuse to make those 3 people, who actually notice me, cry; even a little bit.

My point is, what is the point? What is the point in all of this, any of this. There is none. There is no point. But I will continue to be happy for people every day, because I know sadness is contagious. And also, if I told anybody, who would even give a damn? And what could they even say?