Living off a drug called dreams

Let me start off by saying that the title is me. I live off of my dreams and aspirations, and imagining my ideal future. And I know people do this in general, but I believe I do this excessively. And sure, there is the lovely and poetic quote by T.E Lawrence “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dream with open eyes, to make them possible.’ Cute, right? Having dreams is good of course- it’s always admirable when somebody has them. And watching them achieve their dreams is great. But is there a line? Is there a point where it’s not admirable anymore and they need to focus more so on the here and now? And where is that line?

I can’t answer this question. Which is a problem. I can barely tell if there’s even times when I’m not dreaming of something. (Actually there is, and that’s when I’m imagining fictional worlds where I’m the badass main character-basically a mary sue- but let’s not dwell on that). My dreams involve leaving England. They involve either studying in Japan, Singapore or Canada. They involve a cutesy future with my current boyfriend (yes, I do acknowledge that that part is very unlikely, but I can’t really help it). They involve being a cool mechanical engineer and being mildly attractive and having a cool aesthetic Instagram that is the envy of many. They involve have really cool friends from all over. However…

Money. Money to study abroad is a problem. In my family, no money is made as I live with my retired grandfather. I even have free school meals for crying out loud. If I studied in this England I would get a loan and then just pay it off in future- but what about those other places? Also the plane journey? Also just being able to apply to everything in time? So many problems arise, yet I cannot even imagine studying here. I wish I could as it would be SO much easier, but I can’t. And I am alone in this. Nobody here knows what they’re doing, so I’m left with the internet for help. Not exactly ideal.

I could go on about how my dreams just aren’t going to come true, but I should mention that I am trying. I have done so much research into everything, as I’m someone who likes to have a plan. I am starting to eat (slightly) healthier, I’m focusing and taking care of my natural hair, and am caring for my skin. I even have a small job which I hate, so I actually have money. I’m doing work experience in London in the summer, and am on the school council. But the thing is I keep thinking about what could be, and it’s hard. It kind of means I’m not accepting my life as it is now, and what if I never do? What if no matter what I achieve, I’ll always have something else?  Honestly it’s terrifying to me. But how much should I dream? How much should I imagine? It’s a tough question. It’s also terrifying when I change my mind often so my plans have to change. I did so much research on Japan and now my main focus is Canada which is the most unlikely out of the three. I like engineering but recently realised I adore science journalism. I’m not an improviser either.

I’m addicted. I’m addicted because I can see it so clearly I sometimes convince myself there’s no other possible way for my future to turn out. I’m addicted to the sense of security it gives me, as I am surrounded by people who struggle to pay rent, and their electric bill. I’m surrounded by people who are unhappy, so I’m addicted with the thoughts of something else.

All I can do is distract myself I suppose. Distract myself with kpop and movies and dates and revision. And perhaps slowly, without my realising, my dreams will be my reality.

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