Don’t forget about yourself

I’ll be honest to the 0 people reading this, this is a reminder for myself. But if it reminds you too, then that’s chill by me.

I was recently in one of those situations where there’s someone in your life who takes up all of your time and energy, and makes you focus so much on making them happy. That may be to no fault of their own, but in my case it was not reciprocated so I was left entirely drained. One of my life philosophies is to make people happy. All it takes sometimes is complimenting a girl’s nails, smiling at someone as you pass them in the street or checking if someone’s alright. So the question in my mind is why wouldn’t I do those things? However, when someone comes into my life and we become close, I go from a nice person to a doormat. Take, for example, the situation I mentioned. I travelled for 16 hours to see someone once every month and spent the money, and they always declined even meeting halfway. But I never forced them too; after all, seeing each other made us both happy.

But it was draining. To just give and never get. I never give to receive, but it can sometimes leave you with nothing. But for me, that’s over now.

That person is out of my life, and I started this year with a clean slate. All the time I spent talking to them or waiting for them to reply, all the times I stayed up till stupid O’clock because that was the only time they actually cared to talk to me, all the times I travelled hundreds of miles to a city I didn’t live in and all the plans and effort only I put in; all of that is over.

One of my other philosophies is to repair myself, and not rely on other people. That guy, I guess you could say, broke my heart, but I refused to drink away the problem or get a rebound. Because those wouldn’t allow me to be stronger. I only want to improve myself so I can be better for the next person who comes into my life. I’ve spent my money on myself, on things that have been on my list for a long time; from clothes to hair care products (I’ve been natural for 1/2 a year and curly hair is very… complicated, when you’re the only one in a 50 mile radius with it). I’ve started working out, eating vegan, properly caring for my skin, teeth and hair and am working hard in school. And it feels free. But it is also kind of terrifying.

What if the next time someone comes along I forget about myself again? I could tell myself that I won’t, but truth be told I have no idea. At the end of that day, I care about people, and will always put them first. But what if they don’t do the same again?

All I can do is make caring for myself routine, just like brushing my teeth in the morning. Right now it takes thought and effort, but I hope that fades. Because yes, I do want to make people happy, but I’m a person too. And so are you.


My attempt at an American university personal essay

So first thing you need to understand is that I’m British, not American. I am also not part of the US Sutton Trust charity or rich enough to have a tutor; in other words, I was entirely on my own for writing this. I have applied to 5 US unis, but also 6 UK unis, all of which are Russel Group. But anyways, I read a couple samples online and managed to bring together this piece of art. And don’t even think that that’s a vain thing for me to say: I never said my art was good.

(Also if anyone for some weird fucking reason steals this I ain’t even gonna be mad lol)

‘The earlier years of my life were spent living in books, video-games, movies; in the worlds made up by another’s intellect. I was entirely oblivious to everybody and anything else; it was serene, and it was foolish. I had friends, but they were nothing more than accessories to ensure I didn’t look like a loner; an excuse to leave the house before my accusing grandparents began asking questions. But in reality I was living in a dream, saving false worlds, having adventures and being more than just an anonymous and unimportant face. I was aware of my delusion, but I couldn’t figure out why I cared little of the real world; why I couldn’t get away from the ecstasy that was fiction. I never pressed too much on this however, as it worked for me. I got good grades, had enough fun to satisfy me, and lived contentedly.

Subsequently, something changed. I said yes to a boy but I never expected much from it. I wasn’t so naive as to think it would last, but I figured I would enjoy myself. The intricate details of the relationship are irrelevant, but you must know it was of great significance to my life as a first.

I had changed from being out of sight, out of mind, to somebody who was constantly put in the spotlight, and this went a little to my head, to then be taken away again. So then my new little world disintegrated around me, and, since during this time I had lost my flare for fiction, I was left with the real one.

I was left looking at the reflection of myself that I had allowed to blossom; all I saw was disappointment. I saw somebody who had achieved nothing, somebody who had real potential but was only doing enough to just get by. I finally saw a whole world of things. A world of people, cultures, feelings and experiences, a world of curiosity, complex machines and expeditions. And thus, an epiphany.

I finally discovered why I lived in all of those novels. My real world was not the same as I see it now. It was my town and its people, who withered away in bars, working at jobs they hated and living with spouses they despised. My real world was a calamity, so why would I ever want to face that? I had been too young before to see beyond those confines, so I turned to other worlds which showed promise. But now I could witness it all.

Firstly and slowly I changed friendship group, yet things became entirely different instantly. I couldn’t find it within myself to be sad around them. The school saw us as total losers but I saw them as the lights of my life, which is what mattered most. I began to analyse and break down the world logically, which caused me to become vegetarian, and to begin practising Buddhism. Although I faced obstacles I noticed the lift of my heart when my hard work paid off. I took every opportunity, as a lower-class citizen, that I could grasp. I joined clubs, took university summer courses, did an internship, taught struggling students and reached my second epiphany.

I had lived in books because I wanted to be more than a face in the crowd, but the real world appeared to be a dark and desolate place that never allowed flowers to grow above the shade. But then I noticed other people, people who used to be like me, who had hugely impacted my life and had achieved things I’d never found in fictional works. So I don’t think it’s about changing the world. If I live my life and change at least the lives of the people I’ve grown to care about, then that will be enough for me. Because I don’t have to change the whole world- just theirs.’

Basically I determined that my essay should be personal and unique, to really show colleges who I am. I wrote and sent this all off ages ago so constructive criticism isn’t really helpful; but feel free. To satisfy anyone’s curiosity, I applied to Brown, USC, Emory, Trinity and Lafayette. I was deferred from Brown after I’d applied ED, but to be honest that came as a pleasant surprise as I was expecting to be outright rejected. I am not too fussed if studying in the states doesn’t work out for me, as I already have all 5 UK offers and am applying to Oxford. So I reckon wherever I end up, I’ll be happy. 🙂

Right person, wrong time

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, but hey, a lot’s been happening. A-levels are remarkably time-consuming if you’re as a bad at handling time like myself. But what I think this blog will be about… is people.

There was someone who came into my life on the 9th of July last year. I went to a summer school at the University of Oxford, and I happened to sit next to him in my college’s common room. We successfully got past the small talk, and over the six days that we were there we became friends. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Erik.

Erik and I clicked, you know? We never had to say ‘how was your day’ or ‘what are you up to’. I had a boyfriend at the time, but I wasn’t sure if I loved him, so I allowed myself to flirt a little. I suppose one could say I had a little crush on Erik. But then, of course, the summer school ended, and he went back to London and I to Cornwall. 236 miles apart (we both had looked that up out of curiosity). We kept talking, though. That may not sound like anything special, but it was to me. I’m VERY unsociable, over social media at least. I only talked to my boyfriend at the time out of choice. When I’m at home in my room that’s ME time, fuck everybody else. We didn’t talk too much, but then we met up in London for a UCL open day. Before that I had been up to London two times in the summer, but he was away with his family in his home country of Albania. But at the start of September there was a UCL open day, and truth be told I love London with all my heart, so I used it as an excuse to spend the money and go. We then met up at the end of September for an American University fair, and became even closer. We began talking until the stupid hours of the morning, and it was fun. Talking to someone new and getting to know everything and anything about them is exciting. At this time, my relationship wasn’t great. I was revising for the American ACT, and I was under a lot of stress with American applications and UCAS. I barely talked to my man because I found it a chore, but with Erik I couldn’t wait to read his messages. Yet I denied my feelings for him because my boyfriend was close and safe, and a truly kind person who cared for me more than I will ever know.

I then went up to London at the end of October to do my exam. But just before that, Erik had hung out with our mutual friend from Oxford who lived on the other side of London. Of course that made me jealous, so I was being a little petty and saying how maybe we shouldn’t meet. After he asked why, I decided to just tell him that I thought I liked him and it wasn’t right. He then said he liked me too.

What a bloody conundrum.

We decided that when we next saw each other it would be a test date- and it went amazingly. We ended up at the Tate Modern with him lying with his head on my lap, with me stroking his hair. He then walked me back to my uncle’s, and we hugged goodbye. Of course, after I knew I did like Erik, I couldn’t be with my boyfriend anymore. So within the next couple of days I was completely honest with him and ended it. I didn’t break up with him so I could be with Erik, I did it because it was unkind of me to still be with someone I knew I didn’t love just because I wished that I did.

Erik and I grew closer, moving onto more… sexual chats so to speak. But he said he didn’t want a relationship just yet, as A. he’d never been in one before and didn’t want his first to be long distance and B. it wouldn’t last long because of university. I accepted that for a little while.

We then met up at the end of November and hung out for 2 days straight, hitting more museums, seeing more sights, seeing the Justice League and going to the famous Winter Wonderland. Again, it was amazing. I was his first kiss and we later made out… etc.

But after that, he said despite liking me he NEVER wanted to be in a relationship. This hurt me because the way I saw it he didn’t even want to try, and I figured it would be a waste of time. He also said some savagely hurtful things, but I got over it and just wanted him in my life, and besides, it worked. I didn’t have to feel pressure to meet the family or constantly be in London. Plus it wasn’t like we’d get with someone else.

But then things changed.

He stopped talking and going on his phone as much. He said it was the same with everyone, but he didn’t understand that unlike everyone else on his phone that was the only way we could talk. So for the majority of December we fell out. I then came to a decision; after NYE and New Year’s where we were going to see the London fireworks, I would cut him out of my life. After all, I told him what had made me unhappy and he didn’t care. I had been so selfless for him that I’d forgotten to take care of myself, but I just wasn’t happy. And then he said after NYE he wanted to be just friends. To be honest, it’s hard for me to even write that. He said it wasn’t because he didn’t have feelings for me, but because he knew he was making me sad and wanted us to both move on so I wouldn’t be anymore. But we all know that being friends with someone you’re trying to get over is foolish.

But we met on NYE and New Year’s, and actually ended on a positive note.

However, it didn’t end there.

We shared a mutual friend, who posted a photo of me and another girl, saying RIP. You see, the other girl had killed herself, and that was the only decent pic. Erik then thought that I was dead, and kept trying to ask if I was ok; but I had blocked him on everything (to make cutting him out easier). He then went on my snapchat and unblocked himself, so I rang him up to ask why. I then explained the situation, and it was over.

But then it clicked.

Erik knew I had depression, and that my best friend had just taken her own life, yet not once had he asked if I was ok. There were other things, yet it had taken for him to think I had legitimately died for him to even ask. He always told me how him chatting shit was a key trait of his, but it wasn’t desirable at all. All he ever did was say, and not do.

But even now, I’m not mad at him. Even when I told him all of this and he ignored me repeatedly, even when I asked him if he had any last things he wanted to say and he left me on ‘read’, I’m not mad. Because I’ve figured it out.

He and I will never be friends. But that’s not because we’re polar opposites or not right for each other. There’s a saying about how the greatest lessons in life are best learnt through pain, and I personally have been through so much. I have grown so much, and evolved and become wiser. He, on the other hand, has faced 0 hardships; not that that’s a bad thing. But we’re just at different places right now. He can’t understand me because he hasn’t been through anything, the same way I can’t understand him because I have been through everything. So maybe one day we’ll be friends. But not now.

Never now.

‘Right person wrong time’ shouldn’t refer to two people liking each other but, for example, they are living far apart or one of them being taken. It should refer to any two people of any relationship, who are at different points in their life. For all you know there are plenty of people who’ve left your life who are the same.