I’ll be honest to the 0 people reading this, this is a reminder for myself. But if it reminds you too, then that’s chill by me.
I was recently in one of those situations where there’s someone in your life who takes up all of your time and energy, and makes you focus so much on making them happy. That may be to no fault of their own, but in my case it was not reciprocated so I was left entirely drained. One of my life philosophies is to make people happy. All it takes sometimes is complimenting a girl’s nails, smiling at someone as you pass them in the street or checking if someone’s alright. So the question in my mind is why wouldn’t I do those things? However, when someone comes into my life and we become close, I go from a nice person to a doormat. Take, for example, the situation I mentioned. I travelled for 16 hours to see someone once every month and spent the money, and they always declined even meeting halfway. But I never forced them too; after all, seeing each other made us both happy.
But it was draining. To just give and never get. I never give to receive, but it can sometimes leave you with nothing. But for me, that’s over now.
That person is out of my life, and I started this year with a clean slate. All the time I spent talking to them or waiting for them to reply, all the times I stayed up till stupid O’clock because that was the only time they actually cared to talk to me, all the times I travelled hundreds of miles to a city I didn’t live in and all the plans and effort only I put in; all of that is over.
One of my other philosophies is to repair myself, and not rely on other people. That guy, I guess you could say, broke my heart, but I refused to drink away the problem or get a rebound. Because those wouldn’t allow me to be stronger. I only want to improve myself so I can be better for the next person who comes into my life. I’ve spent my money on myself, on things that have been on my list for a long time; from clothes to hair care products (I’ve been natural for 1/2 a year and curly hair is very… complicated, when you’re the only one in a 50 mile radius with it). I’ve started working out, eating vegan, properly caring for my skin, teeth and hair and am working hard in school. And it feels free. But it is also kind of terrifying.
What if the next time someone comes along I forget about myself again? I could tell myself that I won’t, but truth be told I have no idea. At the end of that day, I care about people, and will always put them first. But what if they don’t do the same again?
All I can do is make caring for myself routine, just like brushing my teeth in the morning. Right now it takes thought and effort, but I hope that fades. Because yes, I do want to make people happy, but I’m a person too. And so are you.