So it’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, but hey, a lot’s been happening. A-levels are remarkably time-consuming if you’re as a bad at handling time like myself. But what I think this blog will be about… is people.
There was someone who came into my life on the 9th of July last year. I went to a summer school at the University of Oxford, and I happened to sit next to him in my college’s common room. We successfully got past the small talk, and over the six days that we were there we became friends. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Erik.
Erik and I clicked, you know? We never had to say ‘how was your day’ or ‘what are you up to’. I had a boyfriend at the time, but I wasn’t sure if I loved him, so I allowed myself to flirt a little. I suppose one could say I had a little crush on Erik. But then, of course, the summer school ended, and he went back to London and I to Cornwall. 236 miles apart (we both had looked that up out of curiosity). We kept talking, though. That may not sound like anything special, but it was to me. I’m VERY unsociable, over social media at least. I only talked to my boyfriend at the time out of choice. When I’m at home in my room that’s ME time, fuck everybody else. We didn’t talk too much, but then we met up in London for a UCL open day. Before that I had been up to London two times in the summer, but he was away with his family in his home country of Albania. But at the start of September there was a UCL open day, and truth be told I love London with all my heart, so I used it as an excuse to spend the money and go. We then met up at the end of September for an American University fair, and became even closer. We began talking until the stupid hours of the morning, and it was fun. Talking to someone new and getting to know everything and anything about them is exciting. At this time, my relationship wasn’t great. I was revising for the American ACT, and I was under a lot of stress with American applications and UCAS. I barely talked to my man because I found it a chore, but with Erik I couldn’t wait to read his messages. Yet I denied my feelings for him because my boyfriend was close and safe, and a truly kind person who cared for me more than I will ever know.
I then went up to London at the end of October to do my exam. But just before that, Erik had hung out with our mutual friend from Oxford who lived on the other side of London. Of course that made me jealous, so I was being a little petty and saying how maybe we shouldn’t meet. After he asked why, I decided to just tell him that I thought I liked him and it wasn’t right. He then said he liked me too.
What a bloody conundrum.
We decided that when we next saw each other it would be a test date- and it went amazingly. We ended up at the Tate Modern with him lying with his head on my lap, with me stroking his hair. He then walked me back to my uncle’s, and we hugged goodbye. Of course, after I knew I did like Erik, I couldn’t be with my boyfriend anymore. So within the next couple of days I was completely honest with him and ended it. I didn’t break up with him so I could be with Erik, I did it because it was unkind of me to still be with someone I knew I didn’t love just because I wished that I did.
Erik and I grew closer, moving onto more… sexual chats so to speak. But he said he didn’t want a relationship just yet, as A. he’d never been in one before and didn’t want his first to be long distance and B. it wouldn’t last long because of university. I accepted that for a little while.
We then met up at the end of November and hung out for 2 days straight, hitting more museums, seeing more sights, seeing the Justice League and going to the famous Winter Wonderland. Again, it was amazing. I was his first kiss and we later made out… etc.
But after that, he said despite liking me he NEVER wanted to be in a relationship. This hurt me because the way I saw it he didn’t even want to try, and I figured it would be a waste of time. He also said some savagely hurtful things, but I got over it and just wanted him in my life, and besides, it worked. I didn’t have to feel pressure to meet the family or constantly be in London. Plus it wasn’t like we’d get with someone else.
But then things changed.
He stopped talking and going on his phone as much. He said it was the same with everyone, but he didn’t understand that unlike everyone else on his phone that was the only way we could talk. So for the majority of December we fell out. I then came to a decision; after NYE and New Year’s where we were going to see the London fireworks, I would cut him out of my life. After all, I told him what had made me unhappy and he didn’t care. I had been so selfless for him that I’d forgotten to take care of myself, but I just wasn’t happy. And then he said after NYE he wanted to be just friends. To be honest, it’s hard for me to even write that. He said it wasn’t because he didn’t have feelings for me, but because he knew he was making me sad and wanted us to both move on so I wouldn’t be anymore. But we all know that being friends with someone you’re trying to get over is foolish.
But we met on NYE and New Year’s, and actually ended on a positive note.
However, it didn’t end there.
We shared a mutual friend, who posted a photo of me and another girl, saying RIP. You see, the other girl had killed herself, and that was the only decent pic. Erik then thought that I was dead, and kept trying to ask if I was ok; but I had blocked him on everything (to make cutting him out easier). He then went on my snapchat and unblocked himself, so I rang him up to ask why. I then explained the situation, and it was over.
But then it clicked.
Erik knew I had depression, and that my best friend had just taken her own life, yet not once had he asked if I was ok. There were other things, yet it had taken for him to think I had legitimately died for him to even ask. He always told me how him chatting shit was a key trait of his, but it wasn’t desirable at all. All he ever did was say, and not do.
But even now, I’m not mad at him. Even when I told him all of this and he ignored me repeatedly, even when I asked him if he had any last things he wanted to say and he left me on ‘read’, I’m not mad. Because I’ve figured it out.
He and I will never be friends. But that’s not because we’re polar opposites or not right for each other. There’s a saying about how the greatest lessons in life are best learnt through pain, and I personally have been through so much. I have grown so much, and evolved and become wiser. He, on the other hand, has faced 0 hardships; not that that’s a bad thing. But we’re just at different places right now. He can’t understand me because he hasn’t been through anything, the same way I can’t understand him because I have been through everything. So maybe one day we’ll be friends. But not now.
‘Right person wrong time’ shouldn’t refer to two people liking each other but, for example, they are living far apart or one of them being taken. It should refer to any two people of any relationship, who are at different points in their life. For all you know there are plenty of people who’ve left your life who are the same.