Don’t forget about yourself

I’ll be honest to the 0 people reading this, this is a reminder for myself. But if it reminds you too, then that’s chill by me.

I was recently in one of those situations where there’s someone in your life who takes up all of your time and energy, and makes you focus so much on making them happy. That may be to no fault of their own, but in my case it was not reciprocated so I was left entirely drained. One of my life philosophies is to make people happy. All it takes sometimes is complimenting a girl’s nails, smiling at someone as you pass them in the street or checking if someone’s alright. So the question in my mind is why wouldn’t I do those things? However, when someone comes into my life and we become close, I go from a nice person to a doormat. Take, for example, the situation I mentioned. I travelled for 16 hours to see someone once every month and spent the money, and they always declined even meeting halfway. But I never forced them too; after all, seeing each other made us both happy.

But it was draining. To just give and never get. I never give to receive, but it can sometimes leave you with nothing. But for me, that’s over now.

That person is out of my life, and I started this year with a clean slate. All the time I spent talking to them or waiting for them to reply, all the times I stayed up till stupid O’clock because that was the only time they actually cared to talk to me, all the times I travelled hundreds of miles to a city I didn’t live in and all the plans and effort only I put in; all of that is over.

One of my other philosophies is to repair myself, and not rely on other people. That guy, I guess you could say, broke my heart, but I refused to drink away the problem or get a rebound. Because those wouldn’t allow me to be stronger. I only want to improve myself so I can be better for the next person who comes into my life. I’ve spent my money on myself, on things that have been on my list for a long time; from clothes to hair care products (I’ve been natural for 1/2 a year and curly hair is very… complicated, when you’re the only one in a 50 mile radius with it). I’ve started working out, eating vegan, properly caring for my skin, teeth and hair and am working hard in school. And it feels free. But it is also kind of terrifying.

What if the next time someone comes along I forget about myself again? I could tell myself that I won’t, but truth be told I have no idea. At the end of that day, I care about people, and will always put them first. But what if they don’t do the same again?

All I can do is make caring for myself routine, just like brushing my teeth in the morning. Right now it takes thought and effort, but I hope that fades. Because yes, I do want to make people happy, but I’m a person too. And so are you.

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Right person, wrong time

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, but hey, a lot’s been happening. A-levels are remarkably time-consuming if you’re as a bad at handling time like myself. But what I think this blog will be about… is people.

There was someone who came into my life on the 9th of July last year. I went to a summer school at the University of Oxford, and I happened to sit next to him in my college’s common room. We successfully got past the small talk, and over the six days that we were there we became friends. For the purpose of this blog, let’s call him Erik.

Erik and I clicked, you know? We never had to say ‘how was your day’ or ‘what are you up to’. I had a boyfriend at the time, but I wasn’t sure if I loved him, so I allowed myself to flirt a little. I suppose one could say I had a little crush on Erik. But then, of course, the summer school ended, and he went back to London and I to Cornwall. 236 miles apart (we both had looked that up out of curiosity). We kept talking, though. That may not sound like anything special, but it was to me. I’m VERY unsociable, over social media at least. I only talked to my boyfriend at the time out of choice. When I’m at home in my room that’s ME time, fuck everybody else. We didn’t talk too much, but then we met up in London for a UCL open day. Before that I had been up to London two times in the summer, but he was away with his family in his home country of Albania. But at the start of September there was a UCL open day, and truth be told I love London with all my heart, so I used it as an excuse to spend the money and go. We then met up at the end of September for an American University fair, and became even closer. We began talking until the stupid hours of the morning, and it was fun. Talking to someone new and getting to know everything and anything about them is exciting. At this time, my relationship wasn’t great. I was revising for the American ACT, and I was under a lot of stress with American applications and UCAS. I barely talked to my man because I found it a chore, but with Erik I couldn’t wait to read his messages. Yet I denied my feelings for him because my boyfriend was close and safe, and a truly kind person who cared for me more than I will ever know.

I then went up to London at the end of October to do my exam. But just before that, Erik had hung out with our mutual friend from Oxford who lived on the other side of London. Of course that made me jealous, so I was being a little petty and saying how maybe we shouldn’t meet. After he asked why, I decided to just tell him that I thought I liked him and it wasn’t right. He then said he liked me too.

What a bloody conundrum.

We decided that when we next saw each other it would be a test date- and it went amazingly. We ended up at the Tate Modern with him lying with his head on my lap, with me stroking his hair. He then walked me back to my uncle’s, and we hugged goodbye. Of course, after I knew I did like Erik, I couldn’t be with my boyfriend anymore. So within the next couple of days I was completely honest with him and ended it. I didn’t break up with him so I could be with Erik, I did it because it was unkind of me to still be with someone I knew I didn’t love just because I wished that I did.

Erik and I grew closer, moving onto more… sexual chats so to speak. But he said he didn’t want a relationship just yet, as A. he’d never been in one before and didn’t want his first to be long distance and B. it wouldn’t last long because of university. I accepted that for a little while.

We then met up at the end of November and hung out for 2 days straight, hitting more museums, seeing more sights, seeing the Justice League and going to the famous Winter Wonderland. Again, it was amazing. I was his first kiss and we later made out… etc.

But after that, he said despite liking me he NEVER wanted to be in a relationship. This hurt me because the way I saw it he didn’t even want to try, and I figured it would be a waste of time. He also said some savagely hurtful things, but I got over it and just wanted him in my life, and besides, it worked. I didn’t have to feel pressure to meet the family or constantly be in London. Plus it wasn’t like we’d get with someone else.

But then things changed.

He stopped talking and going on his phone as much. He said it was the same with everyone, but he didn’t understand that unlike everyone else on his phone that was the only way we could talk. So for the majority of December we fell out. I then came to a decision; after NYE and New Year’s where we were going to see the London fireworks, I would cut him out of my life. After all, I told him what had made me unhappy and he didn’t care. I had been so selfless for him that I’d forgotten to take care of myself, but I just wasn’t happy. And then he said after NYE he wanted to be just friends. To be honest, it’s hard for me to even write that. He said it wasn’t because he didn’t have feelings for me, but because he knew he was making me sad and wanted us to both move on so I wouldn’t be anymore. But we all know that being friends with someone you’re trying to get over is foolish.

But we met on NYE and New Year’s, and actually ended on a positive note.

However, it didn’t end there.

We shared a mutual friend, who posted a photo of me and another girl, saying RIP. You see, the other girl had killed herself, and that was the only decent pic. Erik then thought that I was dead, and kept trying to ask if I was ok; but I had blocked him on everything (to make cutting him out easier). He then went on my snapchat and unblocked himself, so I rang him up to ask why. I then explained the situation, and it was over.

But then it clicked.

Erik knew I had depression, and that my best friend had just taken her own life, yet not once had he asked if I was ok. There were other things, yet it had taken for him to think I had legitimately died for him to even ask. He always told me how him chatting shit was a key trait of his, but it wasn’t desirable at all. All he ever did was say, and not do.

But even now, I’m not mad at him. Even when I told him all of this and he ignored me repeatedly, even when I asked him if he had any last things he wanted to say and he left me on ‘read’, I’m not mad. Because I’ve figured it out.

He and I will never be friends. But that’s not because we’re polar opposites or not right for each other. There’s a saying about how the greatest lessons in life are best learnt through pain, and I personally have been through so much. I have grown so much, and evolved and become wiser. He, on the other hand, has faced 0 hardships; not that that’s a bad thing. But we’re just at different places right now. He can’t understand me because he hasn’t been through anything, the same way I can’t understand him because I have been through everything. So maybe one day we’ll be friends. But not now.

Never now.

‘Right person wrong time’ shouldn’t refer to two people liking each other but, for example, they are living far apart or one of them being taken. It should refer to any two people of any relationship, who are at different points in their life. For all you know there are plenty of people who’ve left your life who are the same.

Living off a drug called dreams

Let me start off by saying that the title is me. I live off of my dreams and aspirations, and imagining my ideal future. And I know people do this in general, but I believe I do this excessively. And sure, there is the lovely and poetic quote by T.E Lawrence “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dream with open eyes, to make them possible.’ Cute, right? Having dreams is good of course- it’s always admirable when somebody has them. And watching them achieve their dreams is great. But is there a line? Is there a point where it’s not admirable anymore and they need to focus more so on the here and now? And where is that line?

I can’t answer this question. Which is a problem. I can barely tell if there’s even times when I’m not dreaming of something. (Actually there is, and that’s when I’m imagining fictional worlds where I’m the badass main character-basically a mary sue- but let’s not dwell on that). My dreams involve leaving England. They involve either studying in Japan, Singapore or Canada. They involve a cutesy future with my current boyfriend (yes, I do acknowledge that that part is very unlikely, but I can’t really help it). They involve being a cool mechanical engineer and being mildly attractive and having a cool aesthetic Instagram that is the envy of many. They involve have really cool friends from all over. However…

Money. Money to study abroad is a problem. In my family, no money is made as I live with my retired grandfather. I even have free school meals for crying out loud. If I studied in England I would get a loan and then just pay it off in future- but what about those other places? Also the plane journey? Also just being able to apply to everything in time? So many problems arise, yet I cannot even imagine studying here. I wish I could as it would be SO much easier, but I can’t. And I am alone in this. Nobody here knows what they’re doing, so I’m left with the internet for help. Not exactly ideal.

I could go on about how my dreams just aren’t going to come true, but I should mention that I am trying. I have done so much research into everything, as I’m someone who likes to have a plan. I am starting to eat (slightly) healthier, I’m focusing and taking care of my natural hair, and am caring for my skin. I even have a small job which I hate, so I actually have money. I’m doing work experience in London in the summer, and am on the school council. But the thing is I keep thinking about what could be, and it’s hard. It kind of means I’m not accepting my life as it is now, and what if I never do? What if no matter what I achieve, I’ll always have something else?  Honestly it’s terrifying to me. But how much should I dream? How much should I imagine? It’s a tough question. It’s also terrifying when I change my mind often so my plans have to change. I did so much research on Japan and now my main focus is Canada which is the most unlikely out of the three. I like engineering but recently realised I adore science journalism. I’m not an improviser either.

I’m addicted. I’m addicted because I can see it so clearly I sometimes convince myself there’s no other possible way for my future to turn out. I’m addicted to the sense of security it gives me, as I am surrounded by people who struggle to pay rent, and their electric bill. I’m surrounded by people who are unhappy, so I’m addicted with the thoughts of something else.

All I can do is distract myself I suppose. Distract myself with kpop and movies and dates and revision. And perhaps slowly, without my realising, my dreams will be my reality.