I’m writing this for myself. Not that I mind if anyone else reads it; you may realise something too. I’m writing this and hoping that perhaps something will come to mind…
I’ve hit a point in my life where I literally don’t leave my house except for school. And then maybe I’ll stay behind for revision. I do have friends, but really they’re just ‘school friends’. I have another friend that I’ve had since Primary School, but in reality, we’re not friends anymore. We’ve grown apart, but we’re both in denial about that. We even call each other ‘best friends’, but that really isn’t the case. And if we go off to different colleges/ sixth forms or whatever next year, we probably will never talk again.
In my room, I pretty much only watch TV, anime, movies and read books, comics and mangas. I also watch YT and play video games somewhere in there (and maybe a bit of revision, maybe). I only ever talk to my family when I want something and when dinner’s ready. That’s mainly due to the fact I’m very un-family orientated. Blood couldn’t mean less to me. My only family is my twin sister. I wish I was family orientated; I remember my mum once told me she would rather me do drugs but tell her I love her rather than be an A-A* student who’s like a robot. And the worst part? I ignored her for a year, and I didn’t even care (note. I live with my grandparents, not my mother). And I suppose it’s true. I am like a robot. I’m also quite selfish. But I’d never admit that in person.
I’m finding life boring. That’s why I escape to fictional worlds. That’s why I shut myself away. The characters I see and read about become my best friends. Don’t get me wrong, I do things like Summer Schools, NCS, Cadets; but it’s still not enough. It’s repetitive. People like to think they’re unique, but in reality I’ve probably met at least 5 people like you. And conversations are pointless. It’s either opinions, gossip, stories or deep things. And I just can’t be bothered. I suppose most of this is because I matured far quicker than too many people. I don’t find fun in throwing paper balls into the bin, or whatever. It’s just all so pointless. In the end I’ll just end up with a job, pay some bills, have a house and then die. (I didn’t add meet somebody or have kids because I don’t plan on marriage or having children).
The worst part about finding life boring is that basically nobody else does. Everybody else is out there having fun, and I’m just in here. And don’t think I’m stupid, don’t think I’m not trying, because I am. I’m just sort of invisible. The only reason I stand out is because I’m not white in a very non-diverse county. Not only that, but my family normally think something’s wrong with me. And, they like to make fun of me. The amount of times they’ve asked me if I actually have any friends is pretty irritating. And not going to lie, the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because of 3 reasons. 1. I’m a coward. 2. I couldn’t do that to my family. 3. I have hope. I hope that I’ll find my ‘calling’ in the future. Whether that be a place, a hobby or a person.
Another thing with my life is having a sister in a loving relationship. She’s either over his, or he’s over ours. He’s a nice lad, I’ll be honest. Treats her like a princess. And I’m sort of jealous. My sister used to have depression, and then he came along. I guess I sort of imagine somebody doing that for me. Coming along and helping me. But in truth, the only person who can help me, is me. The only person I can rely on, is me. And always, only me. I don’t really want a relationship. Sure, they’re cute and all. But my past relationships have… showed me that they bring out the worst in me. Honestly I get attached so fucking fast and I keep wanting to prove to myself that they actually care about me. ‘I’m in love with the idea of being in love’. I’m quite conflicted. I want somebody to be my friend, but I also want to be alone. I find myself irritated a large percentage of the time because of other people. Happiness, real happiness, in intelligent and wise people (they’re different things, and I don’t mean one or the other; I mean if a person is both) is rare. You see things others don’t.
Nobody’s going to read this, and I don’t mind. I didn’t figure anything out whilst typing it, but it feels a bit better having it out there in words.